When the family business feels like a prison

Politically incorrect musings of an heir

Born with a mission

You often hear people say that it’s a stroke of luck to be born the son of entrepreneurs running a family business. Same story with knowing from birth what your destiny will be. As the son of entrepreneurs myself, I’ve often had people throw it in my face that I was ‘born with a silver spoon in my mouth’. Obviously, this came from people who had absolutely no idea – nor did they care – what I felt inside or what dreams and aspirations I harboured.

In our culture, it is very common—I would say the norm—to believe that if you set up a business and have children, the obvious thing to do is to leave it to them as an inheritance. I.e. turning them into ‘second-generation entrepreneurs’. In this case, the heir feels, from the moment they are born, bound by a duty to carry on the family tradition. Failing to do so would amount to a despicable betrayal; both because inheriting a business is considered a stroke of luck, and out of loyalty to the family clan, which undoubtedly expects you to take up the baton.

The most exclusive club in the world

To reinforce this belief – although I don’t know how many people are aware of it – there exists the world’s most exclusive club: the Henokiens. It is an association that brings together entrepreneurs whose families have owned a business for more than 200 years. It is impossible to join without meeting a requirement that no one could possibly hope to fulfil in a lifetime. The oldest company registered with this club has been in existence since 707, in Japan.

The Henokiens Association was founded in the early 1980s. Its membership directory bears some resemblance to a sort of Gotha Almanac, the publication that, from the mid-18th century until 1944, listed the names of the European aristocracy. In essence, a catalogue of the new and most exclusive bourgeois oligarchy.

At least one commendable aspect seems to be that, if the solidity of the enterprise is a requirement for admission, the contemporary ‘barons’ of predatory finance do not feature. They are too young. However, I confess that for a period of my life I felt envy towards those who could join that club. Perhaps I even hoped for the admission of one of my great-grandchildren.

Everyone is unique and different

One problem (is it a problem?) is that every human being is unique and different from every other; therefore, there is no guarantee that what appeals to a parent will hold the same interest for their children. Every soul that incarnates comes into the world with its own specific purpose, of which the parents’ legacy is merely one element – the starting point. But to treat it as an ‘end point’ can be very limiting. Even devastating.

There will therefore be cases in which, building on the family business, a child will joyfully bring their own particular touch to an inherited enterprise. There may be cases in which having a well-established and running business at their disposal will serve as a starting point for embarking on exciting entrepreneurial ventures. This will make the child happy and useful to the community.

In other cases, being forced onto the path laid out by their ancestors (sometimes spanning several generations) will clip their wings, preventing them from even setting out to fulfil their life’s mission. Let’s not even mention enthusiasm and joy. However, it is not easy for the designated heir to see things clearly, given the heavy pressures they face.

The entrepreneur: a difficult job

Another problem is that being an entrepreneur is a damn difficult job. Not that I wish to downplay the difficulty of being, say, an astronaut or a neurosurgeon. Nor that of a goat farmer or an orange grower, or a refuse collector: every profession has its own complications.

However, running a business – being, as they say, a business leader – is a task that requires not only a wide range of skills spanning different areas of life. It demands an ability to shoulder responsibilities, including for the lives of others, and to cope with uncertainty, which are truly complex to master.

In today’s world, running a business requires an impressive intensity of decision-making and analysis of variables and external stimuli. It increasingly resembles the command of military units in an operational theatre.

Finally, there are millions of business activities, just as there are passions that differ for every human being. What are the chances that the new generation will have the same preferences as the previous one? The argument is a bit crude, but please accept the approximation, otherwise this article would go on for ages.

When the family business feels like a prison

Given what I have outlined above, it should be clearer that a family business can sometimes feel like a prison, albeit a seemingly comfortable one.

If all goes well, the heir will find themselves in a decent or good financial position. They will be able to enjoy certain privileges afforded by money or social status. This is undeniable. Just as it is undeniable that they may suffer overwhelming stress during times when things are not going well. Typically, the family business owner ‘takes home’ the stresses of work. Moreover, in many family businesses, the family’s capital is deeply intertwined with the company’s fortunes. This can entail risks, whether real or perceived, which have a significant impact on the family’s quality of life.

Then there are the cultural pressures, when carrying on the work of the ‘heroic’ parent or grandparent who founded the venerable business becomes a matter of honouring their memory, an expression of gratitude, or a social duty to continue the work. In such cases, the heir will find themselves trapped in an even tighter cage. Such pressure can cost them their life, and certainly their health and well-being.

How to get out of it: upstream

How can we break free from this prison? There are two angles from which to consider this issue, and I see both of them in my work as a coach to entrepreneurs (first and second generation). I have also experienced them first-hand as a second-generation entrepreneur.

The first concerns the founding generation, or at least the upstream one. Here, the focus is on managing expectations. Very often, there are goals that have not been achieved, ambitions that have not been fully realised, which are projected onto children and grandchildren. These may well be noble goals; there is no question of that. But parents need help to come to terms with the possibility that the business may end with them, or that it may change hands, moving away from the family model to become a professionally managed enterprise. Only this can ease the pressure on the next generation, so that the children can follow the paths their hearts suggest and live a happy life.

Here another very important issue for family-owned SMEs comes into play: viewing the business as part of the family’s assets, as if it were a property or a bank account. This is a major and common mistake, but this is not the place to address it.

How to get out of it: downstream

From the children’s perspective – or, in any case, that of subsequent generations – there is only one path to take if they do not wish to become entrepreneurs or join the family business: they must betray the clan. Translated from the language of Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellations, this means shaking off the role imposed by the family, rebelling against the programme, and forging their own path.

This is by no means an easy task; especially in the most common scenario, where the preceding generation has done nothing to let go of their expectations regarding the next generation.

Betraying the expectations of parents or grandparents has nothing to do with a lack of respect for them, nor with ingratitude. Self-respect is never at odds with respect for someone else. Recognising the greatness of those who came before us, and feeling gratitude for all we have received and continue to receive, does not entail accepting a destiny we do not desire. But this requires great strength, because social pressures can be extraordinarily powerful and effective. Often, the previous generation has expectations in which it has invested heavily. For this reason, even if unconsciously, it will exert an extraordinary limiting force on the heir to make them bow to the imposed destiny.

In this very common scenario, the next generation will need support from outside the family – perhaps a consultant or a coach – to help them on their journey towards independence. Ideally, this should be someone with experience of business and family businesses, so that they can understand the nuances of the dynamics at play.

How I can help you

Would you like to find out how I can help you resolve a problem similar to the one discussed in this article? Please email me directly at federico@federicofioretto.biz to arrange a free initial consultation to discuss your situation.

You may also wish to read this article on the subject of succession in family businesses.